Friday, April 15, 2011
Maybe
It's just the impending bad weather, or PMS, or simply coffee stain down the front of my shirt....I'm just not having a good "ME" day. It'll pass.
Exposed
Okay, I've breathed and now let's try this again. One issue, one post at a time.
Since I'm sitting at my desk right now, we'll start there.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Where I am almost two years after starting this new venture is so far behind where I want to be. And the disappointment is starting to have a negative effect on my progress.
What is it that is holding me back? ME! That's the easy part.
For the past 10 years I have been trying to dig myself out of this dark place. A place that I feel is my biggest weakness and makes me feel inept. I don't want to be that person people look at and see as a weak individual, but I feel weak inside. I plaster a brave face on when I wake up each morning, I mask disappointment with frustration, sadness with focus. I wish I could just push the feelings of inadequacy aside and move on with as much determination as I fake on a daily basis. I wish I could just silence the little voices that have haunted me for so many years whispering their doubts and critisms that are far from constructive. I know I've come along way from sobbing crouched in a corner, tears mixed with blood and not caring because I didn't feel as though my life was worth anything. I'm standing now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I've built a wall that makes even the fortress walls of Malbork Castle seem like a pickett fence. But I still feel small behind those walls. How can I ask others to truly believe in my capabilities when I second guess myself on every account.
I hate the power that I allow the past to have over me, and I fight it to the point of exhaustion.
I have tears welling up in my eyes right now because I can't exude the pain and doubt and insignificance I feel inside. I want to reach inside pull it all out, put it somewhere that isn't inside of me.
I tried to convince myself that I defeated my insecurities, when in all actuality, I've only perfected masking them.
My very dear friend said once that "I was the strongest women he had ever met". I have never felt further from statement than I do right now.
I don't feel real. I feel like a cameleon. I'm quick to pickup my surrounding environment and quickly adapt to the mood the appearance. But unlike a cameleon, it knows what it's true colors are.
I don't.
Since I'm sitting at my desk right now, we'll start there.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Where I am almost two years after starting this new venture is so far behind where I want to be. And the disappointment is starting to have a negative effect on my progress.
What is it that is holding me back? ME! That's the easy part.
For the past 10 years I have been trying to dig myself out of this dark place. A place that I feel is my biggest weakness and makes me feel inept. I don't want to be that person people look at and see as a weak individual, but I feel weak inside. I plaster a brave face on when I wake up each morning, I mask disappointment with frustration, sadness with focus. I wish I could just push the feelings of inadequacy aside and move on with as much determination as I fake on a daily basis. I wish I could just silence the little voices that have haunted me for so many years whispering their doubts and critisms that are far from constructive. I know I've come along way from sobbing crouched in a corner, tears mixed with blood and not caring because I didn't feel as though my life was worth anything. I'm standing now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I've built a wall that makes even the fortress walls of Malbork Castle seem like a pickett fence. But I still feel small behind those walls. How can I ask others to truly believe in my capabilities when I second guess myself on every account.
I hate the power that I allow the past to have over me, and I fight it to the point of exhaustion.
I have tears welling up in my eyes right now because I can't exude the pain and doubt and insignificance I feel inside. I want to reach inside pull it all out, put it somewhere that isn't inside of me.
I tried to convince myself that I defeated my insecurities, when in all actuality, I've only perfected masking them.
My very dear friend said once that "I was the strongest women he had ever met". I have never felt further from statement than I do right now.
I don't feel real. I feel like a cameleon. I'm quick to pickup my surrounding environment and quickly adapt to the mood the appearance. But unlike a cameleon, it knows what it's true colors are.
I don't.
Prison
Aaaarrrggghhh!
There is nothing more frustrating than trying to post something so that you can look at it over and over to make sense of it, but you can't make enough sense out of it to even post it!!! I feel the overwhelming desire to get whatever it is OUT of my body, but a fog of confusion keeps it from finding it's way to my brain then to my fingertips. It's almost unbearable. My thoughts are imprisoned in my own mind.
There is nothing more frustrating than trying to post something so that you can look at it over and over to make sense of it, but you can't make enough sense out of it to even post it!!! I feel the overwhelming desire to get whatever it is OUT of my body, but a fog of confusion keeps it from finding it's way to my brain then to my fingertips. It's almost unbearable. My thoughts are imprisoned in my own mind.
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