Exposed

Okay, I've breathed and now let's try this again. One issue, one post at a time.

Since I'm sitting at my desk right now, we'll start there.

I'm disappointed in myself right now. Where I am almost two years after starting this new venture is so far behind where I want to be. And the disappointment is starting to have a negative effect on my progress.

What is it that is holding me back? ME! That's the easy part.

For the past 10 years I have been trying to dig myself out of this dark place. A place that I feel is my biggest weakness and makes me feel inept. I don't want to be that person people look at and see as a weak individual, but I feel weak inside. I plaster a brave face on when I wake up each morning, I mask disappointment with frustration, sadness with focus. I wish I could just push the feelings of inadequacy aside and move on with as much determination as I fake on a daily basis. I wish I could just silence the little voices that have haunted me for so many years whispering their doubts and critisms that are far from constructive. I know I've come along way from sobbing crouched in a corner, tears mixed with blood and not caring because I didn't feel as though my life was worth anything. I'm standing now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I've built a wall that makes even the fortress walls of Malbork Castle seem like a pickett fence. But I still feel small behind those walls. How can I ask others to truly believe in my capabilities when I second guess myself on every account.

I hate the power that I allow the past to have over me, and I fight it to the point of exhaustion.

I have tears welling up in my eyes right now because I can't exude the pain and doubt and insignificance I feel inside. I want to reach inside pull it all out, put it somewhere that isn't inside of me.
I tried to convince myself that I defeated my insecurities, when in all actuality, I've only perfected masking them.

My very dear friend said once that "I was the strongest women he had ever met". I have never felt further from statement than I do right now.

I don't feel real. I feel like a cameleon. I'm quick to pickup my surrounding environment and quickly adapt to the mood the appearance. But unlike a cameleon, it knows what it's true colors are.

I don't.