I'm no Hester Prynne

So she didn't exactly know what she was doing was wrong and therefore wore her scarlet letter branded upon her bodice with dignity and did not allow the damning words or narrowed gazes of disgust to penetrate her will or resolve. I on the other hand screwed up royally (See Malfunctioning Navigation) and expected retribution. I said I would atone and I am fully willing to accept what atonement is deemed fitting for the crimes I've been accused, tried and now sentenced for, though the major part of these crimes I still hold are completely false and unfortunately I will never get the opportunity to make this known. Instead, I have been "branded" as a traitor. One to be ignored, humiliated and deemed completely useless by the Judge and Jury. I'll accept my punishment for as long as he feels it necessary to administer. I'll watch as the tasks that I took pride in are taken away and delegated to others (others who actually completely ignored them last week until finally someone else had to step in today and do for them....again, that person was still not me, not wanting to go against his Honors' wishes that I stay out of it), I'll accept being eliminated from the unity of the team when an invitation to feast is made to all save one, myself. I suppose it is too much for His Honor to stomach both a meal and myself in one sitting. I will wear my badge of shame and continue to work harder, longer and faster and maybe it will be enough, and maybe not. But a dark cloud has settled within me and it gets harder to see the glimmers of light each day. I can't breathe as waves of disappointment wash through me, I choke to try and eat. It's almost funny how he knows exactly how to punish me. Take away the one thing that I need as much as food and air...acceptance, to be deemed good enough. Showing me with each unacknowledged passing that I am nothing, confirming it really. I come here and am invisible, if I make myself seen or heard, I'm quickly dealt with and cast aside. I just want to sleep, I can't get enough sleep now...funny how I would have given anything for that ability a month ago. But now I just want to find a nice big rock with a nice big hole beneath it and crawl in until it's over. And it may never be over. Only difference between Hester Prynne and me, she didn't deserve the public ridicule she was cruelly subjected to.... I know which mistakes I made (and which ones I did not), I'll endure it. It still hurts like hell, not the punishment itself, but knowing I actually am the cause of it. Someone says that these are mistakes that I will never make again, and they are right, just not sure if I'll make it through crawling out of it this time. I may just not be strong enough for that. I want to run, hard and fast in any direction that leads furthest from here, but seeing as I carry the brand within me as surely as I do upon my skin, there is no place far enough.

Malfunctioning Navigation

I don't have the time that I truly with I could commit to this post, and that is probably a good thing! I'm so angry!!! I wish I could put into words (which is odd since that is exactly what I am trying to do!!) the cause of my anger. I think its the presence of pettiness, there was a recent situation in which my behavior...let's just say it left a lot to be desired in terms of professionalism. I chose to put personal interests ahead of professional interests and having been in a professional setting that was completely inexcusable. Got it!! Own it!! I completely fucked up. I can honestly say that in 33 years, I don't have a lot of moments in my life that I can look back on and say "Oh yeah, what the FUCK was I thinking", but if I was short on those moments in the past, this one definitely makes up for it. Parts of the accusations I completely disagree with as they were entirely professionally focused and I will go to my grave defending the fact that those accusations are false. The personal ones...again WTF was I thinking??? Now why does this make me angry? Several reasons. I'm extremely disappointed in myself, I'm better than that and it will take a very long time, most likely MUCH MUCH longer than those who are currently disappointed in me. I can't change my actions but I can atone. That is all I can do, if it kills me I'll atone and pull myself through this one. Work harder, and continue to prove myself and my value over and over again until it is unquestioned once again (if it ever really was, but that is an entirely different post for another day). The second reason I'm angry is external. Everyone makes mistakes in their life, but what makes people try to seize these mistakes as opportunities to discredit and to bring down their fellow colleague??? Jealousy? That doesn't make since!! Who the hell would want to be me?? Who would want to be where I am in my life? Struggling to hold on to sanity with a fierce grip in one hand and trying to scale a mountain with the other in high heels and do it gracefully so as not to offend anyone watching!! I've been accused of being arrogant sometimes and I'll take ownership of that one as well. You know why?? Because it is in those moments of arrogance that I'm at my weakest. It's when I'm stuck and need the affirmation that I'm good at something, anything and when it comes down to it my career is what I'm good at. That affirmation keeps me moving forward, when I'm feeling comfortable with myself, I don't need that pat on the back or that acknowledgement that I know what I'm doing, because I just do it. But when I slip, and wonder how in the hell am I going to get through this, or realize that I'm on the cusp of either success or failure, my internal instincts are still to resign to the inevitable failure! Because how on earth could I, with all my fucked-up-ness, possibly succeed. And if I do, I'll just find a different way to screw it up. I know where this comes from and I deal daily with it, but sometimes it gets so exhausting fighting the insecurities every day, looking in the mirror and trying to find something positive in the reflection, hanging on and manning the sails of my life aiming for the headwinds that can keep me moving forward instead of idling, surrounded in all directions by a vast still ocean and knowing if I don't keep moving I'm done. Why can't people understand that no ones life is easy, there are depths to people that we don't know and will never know, so why attack them when they are stuck in the middle of the ocean? Why steal their last bottle of water and their ores as you coast by in your Sea Ray, leaving them there to face yet another more challenging obstacle? People say to keep their friends close and their enemies closer, I just can't. I'm fucked up enough and can't afford to be that close to that which can taint me further and holds enough power to ultimately capsize the little boat that keeps me afloat. So now the elation I had some few weeks or months ago is gone, the feeling of having allies and working together for us all to succeed is gone. I will never be the type of person that is all about me, I have a ridiculous need to want to see success of the whole rather than my little sum of the parts, (probably could insert affirmation here as well as I want to know that the success was due impart by my participation if I'm being completely honest, and i am always completely honest here!). The circling boats are not here to help, so all I can do is row harder, faster, steer clear and just try to survive.