I'm no Hester Prynne

So she didn't exactly know what she was doing was wrong and therefore wore her scarlet letter branded upon her bodice with dignity and did not allow the damning words or narrowed gazes of disgust to penetrate her will or resolve. I on the other hand screwed up royally (See Malfunctioning Navigation) and expected retribution. I said I would atone and I am fully willing to accept what atonement is deemed fitting for the crimes I've been accused, tried and now sentenced for, though the major part of these crimes I still hold are completely false and unfortunately I will never get the opportunity to make this known. Instead, I have been "branded" as a traitor. One to be ignored, humiliated and deemed completely useless by the Judge and Jury. I'll accept my punishment for as long as he feels it necessary to administer. I'll watch as the tasks that I took pride in are taken away and delegated to others (others who actually completely ignored them last week until finally someone else had to step in today and do for them....again, that person was still not me, not wanting to go against his Honors' wishes that I stay out of it), I'll accept being eliminated from the unity of the team when an invitation to feast is made to all save one, myself. I suppose it is too much for His Honor to stomach both a meal and myself in one sitting. I will wear my badge of shame and continue to work harder, longer and faster and maybe it will be enough, and maybe not. But a dark cloud has settled within me and it gets harder to see the glimmers of light each day. I can't breathe as waves of disappointment wash through me, I choke to try and eat. It's almost funny how he knows exactly how to punish me. Take away the one thing that I need as much as food and air...acceptance, to be deemed good enough. Showing me with each unacknowledged passing that I am nothing, confirming it really. I come here and am invisible, if I make myself seen or heard, I'm quickly dealt with and cast aside. I just want to sleep, I can't get enough sleep now...funny how I would have given anything for that ability a month ago. But now I just want to find a nice big rock with a nice big hole beneath it and crawl in until it's over. And it may never be over. Only difference between Hester Prynne and me, she didn't deserve the public ridicule she was cruelly subjected to.... I know which mistakes I made (and which ones I did not), I'll endure it. It still hurts like hell, not the punishment itself, but knowing I actually am the cause of it. Someone says that these are mistakes that I will never make again, and they are right, just not sure if I'll make it through crawling out of it this time. I may just not be strong enough for that. I want to run, hard and fast in any direction that leads furthest from here, but seeing as I carry the brand within me as surely as I do upon my skin, there is no place far enough.