Seperation Anxiety

I've made a decision. Already as a result of that decision, my palms are sweating, my stomache is in knots and there is the deepest since of longing and pain in my chest that is I wonder if I can get up out of my chair without fainting. I try not to think about my decision much; that's not working.

I'm in love with a man who loves me, but in an entirely different way. I wake up next to him each morning, though he isn't really there. I cook breakfast with him sitting at the counter, though he is not their either. I think of him when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning and every subsequent moment after that until it is time to climb back in bed and tell him good night once more. I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm craving. I crave his presence, because of his ability to calm me and motivate me, whichever the situation deems necessary at the moment. I crave his wisdom and his juvienile ways that he should have long been past at his age. I crave his touch; gentle and protective.

I cannot be without his warmth and compassion, his aggression and his determination. I know that I need him in my life as much as I need food and water and air.

But I have to seperate myself from him, for now. Because I also crave to be craved by someone as much as I crave him. I want to be desired and loved and protected the way that I desire, love, and am protective over him. It isn't fair to myself to live an imaginary life with the man I love, so I have to find some way to not love him. Not love him the way I do, but instead the way that I should.

I'm not strong enough to just walk away, but distance is necessary. It's painful, so much so that I feel the ache in my fingers when I deny myself the act of calling him just to hear his voice or to text him good morning. The squeezing around my heart when I have completed a day without the intimate contact we share unintentionally is unbearable. We connect, and he feels it. He knows there is more there, more to us than just friends, but is unwilling to pursue it. There is a reason I'm sure, but I'm too cowardly to ask. I don't ask questions when I don't really want the answers, but know that I should.

This is day one. I won't fail. I cannot fail. My future depends on it.