Do you know...

Do you know how much I want you? A longing that pulls my soul in your direction, like a river rushing, yearning to be part of the sea.

Do you know how much I burn for you? A never ceasing raging flame that scorches my heart and burns my hands when I battle to put them out?

Do you know how much I struggle? With a heart that is swollen and sore with how much I hold back just to be able to hang on.

Do you know how much I fear? Risking exposing my hidden truths at the risk of pushing you away.

Do you know how much I long? To know the truths inside of you.

Do you know how much it hurts? To choose not to fight, but take you, us, as we are, and let go of the fantasy that lives and breaths in my mind as a life of it's own.

Do you know I'm trying to let go? Can you feel it? Do you care?

Does it matter?

Seperation Anxiety

I've made a decision. Already as a result of that decision, my palms are sweating, my stomache is in knots and there is the deepest since of longing and pain in my chest that is I wonder if I can get up out of my chair without fainting. I try not to think about my decision much; that's not working.

I'm in love with a man who loves me, but in an entirely different way. I wake up next to him each morning, though he isn't really there. I cook breakfast with him sitting at the counter, though he is not their either. I think of him when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning and every subsequent moment after that until it is time to climb back in bed and tell him good night once more. I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm craving. I crave his presence, because of his ability to calm me and motivate me, whichever the situation deems necessary at the moment. I crave his wisdom and his juvienile ways that he should have long been past at his age. I crave his touch; gentle and protective.

I cannot be without his warmth and compassion, his aggression and his determination. I know that I need him in my life as much as I need food and water and air.

But I have to seperate myself from him, for now. Because I also crave to be craved by someone as much as I crave him. I want to be desired and loved and protected the way that I desire, love, and am protective over him. It isn't fair to myself to live an imaginary life with the man I love, so I have to find some way to not love him. Not love him the way I do, but instead the way that I should.

I'm not strong enough to just walk away, but distance is necessary. It's painful, so much so that I feel the ache in my fingers when I deny myself the act of calling him just to hear his voice or to text him good morning. The squeezing around my heart when I have completed a day without the intimate contact we share unintentionally is unbearable. We connect, and he feels it. He knows there is more there, more to us than just friends, but is unwilling to pursue it. There is a reason I'm sure, but I'm too cowardly to ask. I don't ask questions when I don't really want the answers, but know that I should.

This is day one. I won't fail. I cannot fail. My future depends on it.