These are the truths in which I seek from myself.
Reflection (without deflection) Pt. 1
I struggle with (for lack of a better word) "pretending" certain characteristics of myself for various reasons (not to hurt someone's feelings, not to be hurt, to impress, to be accepted,and probably most common in my own situations...it's what is expected...) to the point that when I look at myself in the mirror I'm not sure which ones are "me" and which ones I have been "pretending" for so long that they have become reflex?
How do you sort them out? I mean it shouldn't really be that hard Right?!? Hi "Ms. Much" I'm "Ms.Much","Nice to meet you Ms.Much, tell me a little about yourself"...then TA-DA! Deer-in-the-headlights! Beyond the superficial stuff od favorite icecream-Extreme Moose Tracks, the fact I hate flavored soda's and water, and I wear pretty pink lacy thongs even though they have never been properly introduced to a man (weak moment, kinda went with the theory of "if you buy then, they will come"), ok off topic....so past all that, there lies layer after layer after layer of "manufactured responses" to every single task that a person goes throughin every moment of every day. Some are taught like saying "ma'am" and "sir" to anyone older than you, give the pregnant lady the chair, etc. But there is also free will in us in which we choose and begin to shape our paths. It's what makes the. 5th generation son of a family of doctors choose to be an artist, the boy from the ghetto choosing to be the first to go to college, or the son of a racist who chooses not to hate,the straight A boy who hits homeruns in every game decides he likes a hit of meth more. Therein lies "ourselves". The whether good or bad, those have not been "manufactured responses", those were people taking ownership of themselves and, in turn, deciding who they are.
There are just so many layers to sift through and a constant frustration of, will I even know it when I see it.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Reflection vs. Deflection
Reflection is to seek truth
Deflection is to mask or hide the/from truth.
So if you deflect to allow yourself an opportunity to reflect in solitude and the deflection that is portrayed is actually the truth in which you hope to find, the deflection in itself is destructive to the reflection because it has tainted the "unbiased" position of the seeker to look at that which is being simultaneously reflected and deflected from a fantastical view. Truth is lost. The reflection is the true lie as the "seeker" waits for the deflection to become reality. Thus never finding truth, never waivering from the constant, and permanently rooted to the conformity of the situation.
Deflection is to mask or hide the/from truth.
So if you deflect to allow yourself an opportunity to reflect in solitude and the deflection that is portrayed is actually the truth in which you hope to find, the deflection in itself is destructive to the reflection because it has tainted the "unbiased" position of the seeker to look at that which is being simultaneously reflected and deflected from a fantastical view. Truth is lost. The reflection is the true lie as the "seeker" waits for the deflection to become reality. Thus never finding truth, never waivering from the constant, and permanently rooted to the conformity of the situation.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Do you know...
Do you know how much I want you? A longing that pulls my soul in your direction, like a river rushing, yearning to be part of the sea.
Do you know how much I burn for you? A never ceasing raging flame that scorches my heart and burns my hands when I battle to put them out?
Do you know how much I struggle? With a heart that is swollen and sore with how much I hold back just to be able to hang on.
Do you know how much I fear? Risking exposing my hidden truths at the risk of pushing you away.
Do you know how much I long? To know the truths inside of you.
Do you know how much it hurts? To choose not to fight, but take you, us, as we are, and let go of the fantasy that lives and breaths in my mind as a life of it's own.
Do you know I'm trying to let go? Can you feel it? Do you care?
Does it matter?
Do you know how much I burn for you? A never ceasing raging flame that scorches my heart and burns my hands when I battle to put them out?
Do you know how much I struggle? With a heart that is swollen and sore with how much I hold back just to be able to hang on.
Do you know how much I fear? Risking exposing my hidden truths at the risk of pushing you away.
Do you know how much I long? To know the truths inside of you.
Do you know how much it hurts? To choose not to fight, but take you, us, as we are, and let go of the fantasy that lives and breaths in my mind as a life of it's own.
Do you know I'm trying to let go? Can you feel it? Do you care?
Does it matter?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What the F@!? is that supposed to mean....
You know for a gender so known for spending half their adulthood (at least) with their foot shoved so far down their throats from saying stupid shit, you would think they'd just come out a SAY something.
Women are the cryptic ones! We hold the monopoly on beating around the f'ing bush until there is nothing but a hole in the ground where the damn bush use to be!
What the f@!? Does "strangely close" mean???
Friends with benifits? - nope, Mr. R shot that one down immediately.
Friends - nope "we're more than that" he says...
Dating - not according to the 26 year old tail he was chasing last week...
So WHAT??? What the hell am I supposed to take away from a comment like that?
Aaaarrrggghh!
Women are the cryptic ones! We hold the monopoly on beating around the f'ing bush until there is nothing but a hole in the ground where the damn bush use to be!
What the f@!? Does "strangely close" mean???
Friends with benifits? - nope, Mr. R shot that one down immediately.
Friends - nope "we're more than that" he says...
Dating - not according to the 26 year old tail he was chasing last week...
So WHAT??? What the hell am I supposed to take away from a comment like that?
Aaaarrrggghh!
Ms. Much goes Feng Shui
Hmmm... I think the best way to describe the world that I have created for myself is...chaos! I feel like so much of my time is spent in "re-active" mode as opposed to "pro-active".
So..It's Thursday. Nothing special about this Thursday, it isn't a holiday some where (well except for probably in Europe, Canada, or Mexico, where it seems everyday is a holiday of some kind)..but to me it is nothing but an ordinary Thursday in June. What a wonderful time to DO SOMETHING! Anything, even if it is wrong, to shake up my world a bit. Sometimes when you walk into a room that is cluttered, disorganized, and a plain out mess, you have to stir up a little dust and actually make it look even more a mess than what it originally it was to acheive that desired look, feel, and balance you want as your end result.
Ok, don't look at me like that. You know what I'm talking about!! When you are spring cleaning and you dump all of the contents of your drawers out on the bed and empty the contents of your night stand onto the floor!! It looks like a tornado came barrowing through. And you spend hours (maybe days depending on the depth of your wardrobe!) filtering and sorting, and making permanent decisions to toss or keep. Then slowly you progress one item at a time until you finally crawl under your newly washed sheets and comforter on your bed (which had now been moved from the corner of the room to beneath the window) and take in your new happy space.
So it's time to shake it up! Remove what de-motivators I can from my life and bring positive, balancing, peaceful, harmoneous, and motivating elements into my life.
Worth giving it a shot right? Got nothing to lose except my mind, and hell, it's presence is HIGHLY debatable at the moment.
So..It's Thursday. Nothing special about this Thursday, it isn't a holiday some where (well except for probably in Europe, Canada, or Mexico, where it seems everyday is a holiday of some kind)..but to me it is nothing but an ordinary Thursday in June. What a wonderful time to DO SOMETHING! Anything, even if it is wrong, to shake up my world a bit. Sometimes when you walk into a room that is cluttered, disorganized, and a plain out mess, you have to stir up a little dust and actually make it look even more a mess than what it originally it was to acheive that desired look, feel, and balance you want as your end result.
Ok, don't look at me like that. You know what I'm talking about!! When you are spring cleaning and you dump all of the contents of your drawers out on the bed and empty the contents of your night stand onto the floor!! It looks like a tornado came barrowing through. And you spend hours (maybe days depending on the depth of your wardrobe!) filtering and sorting, and making permanent decisions to toss or keep. Then slowly you progress one item at a time until you finally crawl under your newly washed sheets and comforter on your bed (which had now been moved from the corner of the room to beneath the window) and take in your new happy space.
So it's time to shake it up! Remove what de-motivators I can from my life and bring positive, balancing, peaceful, harmoneous, and motivating elements into my life.
Worth giving it a shot right? Got nothing to lose except my mind, and hell, it's presence is HIGHLY debatable at the moment.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Living in a 'Question Mark' World
Sometimes it not about asking the right questions, sometimes it's about finding the courage to ask the right questions and the strength to accept the answers. Without asking the questions you find yourself living in an impossible world of make believe, which while satisfying within the confides of your own mind, will leave your heart aching, body seeking, and mind in a constant state of confusion. Whoever said "Let a sleeping dog lie", never considered the fact it may not be breathing anymore....you'll find yourself wishing you had made the effort after it's too late.
Now all I've got to do is follow my own advise, easy right..?!@
Now all I've got to do is follow my own advise, easy right..?!@
Friday, April 15, 2011
Maybe
It's just the impending bad weather, or PMS, or simply coffee stain down the front of my shirt....I'm just not having a good "ME" day. It'll pass.
Exposed
Okay, I've breathed and now let's try this again. One issue, one post at a time.
Since I'm sitting at my desk right now, we'll start there.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Where I am almost two years after starting this new venture is so far behind where I want to be. And the disappointment is starting to have a negative effect on my progress.
What is it that is holding me back? ME! That's the easy part.
For the past 10 years I have been trying to dig myself out of this dark place. A place that I feel is my biggest weakness and makes me feel inept. I don't want to be that person people look at and see as a weak individual, but I feel weak inside. I plaster a brave face on when I wake up each morning, I mask disappointment with frustration, sadness with focus. I wish I could just push the feelings of inadequacy aside and move on with as much determination as I fake on a daily basis. I wish I could just silence the little voices that have haunted me for so many years whispering their doubts and critisms that are far from constructive. I know I've come along way from sobbing crouched in a corner, tears mixed with blood and not caring because I didn't feel as though my life was worth anything. I'm standing now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I've built a wall that makes even the fortress walls of Malbork Castle seem like a pickett fence. But I still feel small behind those walls. How can I ask others to truly believe in my capabilities when I second guess myself on every account.
I hate the power that I allow the past to have over me, and I fight it to the point of exhaustion.
I have tears welling up in my eyes right now because I can't exude the pain and doubt and insignificance I feel inside. I want to reach inside pull it all out, put it somewhere that isn't inside of me.
I tried to convince myself that I defeated my insecurities, when in all actuality, I've only perfected masking them.
My very dear friend said once that "I was the strongest women he had ever met". I have never felt further from statement than I do right now.
I don't feel real. I feel like a cameleon. I'm quick to pickup my surrounding environment and quickly adapt to the mood the appearance. But unlike a cameleon, it knows what it's true colors are.
I don't.
Since I'm sitting at my desk right now, we'll start there.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Where I am almost two years after starting this new venture is so far behind where I want to be. And the disappointment is starting to have a negative effect on my progress.
What is it that is holding me back? ME! That's the easy part.
For the past 10 years I have been trying to dig myself out of this dark place. A place that I feel is my biggest weakness and makes me feel inept. I don't want to be that person people look at and see as a weak individual, but I feel weak inside. I plaster a brave face on when I wake up each morning, I mask disappointment with frustration, sadness with focus. I wish I could just push the feelings of inadequacy aside and move on with as much determination as I fake on a daily basis. I wish I could just silence the little voices that have haunted me for so many years whispering their doubts and critisms that are far from constructive. I know I've come along way from sobbing crouched in a corner, tears mixed with blood and not caring because I didn't feel as though my life was worth anything. I'm standing now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I've built a wall that makes even the fortress walls of Malbork Castle seem like a pickett fence. But I still feel small behind those walls. How can I ask others to truly believe in my capabilities when I second guess myself on every account.
I hate the power that I allow the past to have over me, and I fight it to the point of exhaustion.
I have tears welling up in my eyes right now because I can't exude the pain and doubt and insignificance I feel inside. I want to reach inside pull it all out, put it somewhere that isn't inside of me.
I tried to convince myself that I defeated my insecurities, when in all actuality, I've only perfected masking them.
My very dear friend said once that "I was the strongest women he had ever met". I have never felt further from statement than I do right now.
I don't feel real. I feel like a cameleon. I'm quick to pickup my surrounding environment and quickly adapt to the mood the appearance. But unlike a cameleon, it knows what it's true colors are.
I don't.
Prison
Aaaarrrggghhh!
There is nothing more frustrating than trying to post something so that you can look at it over and over to make sense of it, but you can't make enough sense out of it to even post it!!! I feel the overwhelming desire to get whatever it is OUT of my body, but a fog of confusion keeps it from finding it's way to my brain then to my fingertips. It's almost unbearable. My thoughts are imprisoned in my own mind.
There is nothing more frustrating than trying to post something so that you can look at it over and over to make sense of it, but you can't make enough sense out of it to even post it!!! I feel the overwhelming desire to get whatever it is OUT of my body, but a fog of confusion keeps it from finding it's way to my brain then to my fingertips. It's almost unbearable. My thoughts are imprisoned in my own mind.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)